


The Self Is Not So Weightless

by The_wastedworld



Category: The West Wing
Genre: AU where Josh’s mom gets a name, Anxiety, Anxiety Attacks, Donna is trying her best bless her, Family, Father Figure, Gen, Josh Lyman’s mom is the most awesome person, Post-Episode: s02e10 Noel, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, Rosslyn, Stanley - Freeform, Therapy, josh LOVES Leo, josh is a sad boy but he’s going to be okay
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-02-18
Updated: 2021-02-18
Packaged: 2021-03-14 10:41:44
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,348
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29541138
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/The_wastedworld/pseuds/The_wastedworld
Summary: Josh just needs a hug and his mom (and a lot of therapy)Aka, a Noel AU where everything’s the same but Josh’s mom helps out
Comments: 8
Kudos: 25





	The Self Is Not So Weightless

**Author's Note:**

> “At this point, you’ll have to write my obituary and say “here lies Brenna, killed because of a sad josh and his mom fanfic” (thanks Brenna, Ily) 
> 
> Josh’s mom is a badass who really, really loves her son

Rachel Lyman wasn't a fool. She knew that if she wanted information to about Josh, she had to ask anyone other than Josh. Whilst she was happy to admit that her son had many strengths, talking about his emotions had never been one of them. She'd spent the better part of the last 30 years trying to find ways to gage how her son was coping with life events - it had always been a strength of Noah's more so than hers. Leo and Mallory had always been her best bet, but at some time during the first campaign their answers had morphed from anything helpful into vague shrugs and half-hearted guesses. 

This was how Rachel found herself on the phone to Donna Moss, once again thanking her lucky stars that Donna had been such a useful informant on all things Josh. It took approximately 2 minutes of talking to Donna for Rachel to realise that Josh was hardly at his best. Donna tried her best to cover for Josh, but Rachel wasn’t new to this particular conversation.

_-("he swears he's just tired, and what with the new Congressional session starting the whole staff have been pulling a lot of late nights"-_

_-“Josh has been tired since 1980, Donna, he's not slept more than 6 hours a night since kindergarten” )._

5 minutes into the call, Donna cut herself off from her attempt to backtrack, quickly excusing herself. Rachel listened to the muffled sounds of the bullpen through the phone dropped hastily on the desk, her heart sinking as she heard the frantic yells of her son- _"It's like a damned hockey game, I can't hear my own goddamn thoughts”_ , mirrored by Donna's soft " _let me help, Why don't we-_ “

By the time Donna returned to the call, audibly in tears as she murmured "it's not his fault, he's under a lot of stress, but I'm scared that drawing attention to it will just hurt him more-", Rachel was booking flight tickets. She deserved a Christmas holiday, and if she managed to drag her son out of whatever hole he’s managed to get himself into, then that would be even more of a bonus.

****

“Josh, line one, it’s your mom”

“No.”

“Josh, answer the phone to your poor mother-“

“Can you turn that damn noise off, for the love of God”

Donna gave him a look that tried to be deadpan but ended up being more of a gaze that screamed “ _please let me help you_ ”

“That noise is the phone, Josh, and good news! You can make it stop all by yourself, all you have to do is lift the phone, press the button, and have a conversation with your-“

She cut herself off when Josh snatched the phone from the desk, glaring at her as he snapped a quick “yes?” into the receiver.

“Joshua, I happen to know that you definitely weren’t born in a barn or raised in a stable, having had quite an active role in that raising process myself, and I’m fairly sure I didn’t raise you to answer the phone like that.”

Josh sighed, running his hand through his hair and pulling at it, blinking to try and clear some of the vision. Ever since he’d escaped from his last meeting he’d been blearily staring at his reports, his eyes refusing to focus on more than one word at once.

“Sorry Mom, I clearly meant to say ‘how are you on this fine winter evening’”

“I’m well, Joshua, and yourself?”

“I’m fine, just packing up for the day. I’m heading out the office actually, coat is on and everything, can I phone you-“

“Huh, interesting coat you’ve got there Josh-“, she deadpanned, her voice suddenly coming through the open door. Josh startled, gripping the edge of the desk and blinking rapidly as he attempted to find the words. Rachel noticed this and seized the (somewhat rare) opportunity of her silent son to talk over his shock.   
  
“It’s Christmas! What, a mother can’t visit her son on Christmas - and don’t come back at me with some smartarse comment about being Jewish, because we both know that’s never stopped me before. Now, it’s 8pm, I’ve been on a flight all afternoon, and Leo promised me after Rosslyn that he’d never keep you later than 7:30, so come take your mother to dinner, yes?”

As Rachel watched Josh reluctantly pack up his desk, she took note of the way that even just the mention of Rosslyn made him stiffen, muscle in his cheek twitching as he avoided her eye. He pulled himself together pretty quickly, but a lifetime of experience watching her son fight through his trauma means that it doesn’t pass her by. She gives Donna a comforting smile as she walks past her desk, smirking slightly at Josh’s face when Rachel told her to take the rest of the evening off.   
“ _If you’re going to steal my job, mom, you at least have to take over the ‘dealing with Republicans’ part of it”_

With Rachel wanting to go out for a meal, and Josh all but begging to just go home and get Chinese takeaway, they compromised with Italian from the restaurant on the corner. Rachel did most of the speaking, sharing stories from the synagogue in Westport. To his credit, Josh made it a few hours of nodding and making vaguely interested noises, but by 10pm Rachel could see him flagging. As she watched him, it was as though all the nervous tics from childhood had reappeared. He was picking at a loose thread on the sofa, pulling at it in a way that made her want to lay a hand over his and pull it away. His knee was jumping up and down, and in the back of her head she heard Noah gently scolding a 13 year old Josh, trying to get him into soccer or basketball to let out the anxious energy inside of him. They quickly realised that the idea of being in a team was overwhelming to Josh - Rachel lost count of the amount of times Josh would beat himself up after a lost goal or misjudged pass. In the end, it was politics that got through to a Josh, losing himself in news stories and tracking the progress of bills thanks to stories bought home by Noah via Leo.   
  


“Enough about me, then. How’s everything here?”

Josh shrugged, an easy sign that her goal to get Josh to open up wouldn’t be an easy one. As reluctant as she was to open this particular can of worms, especially due to Donna’s concern that bringing it up could actually push Josh even further into himself, Rachel knew that Josh was nothing if not stubborn.   
  


“Oh it’s fine, I mean if I have to lay my eyes on this bloody Senator from Texas in the next 20 years it’ll be too soon, but we’re making progress on the-“

”Joshua, you know as well as I do that’s not what I mean. How are _you?”_

Josh stuttered, and Rachel could almost see the barriers come up around himself.   
“I’m fine, what do you-“

”Josh-“

”I’m fine! I’m tired-“

”Honey, you don’t need to lie to me, you’re not just tired”

Josh jumped up at this point, facing away from her as he stared out the window.

”I’m just tired, mom, It’s just been a long year, and-“

”Okay, so if I was to ask Leo he’d raise no concerns, is that right?”   
  


Rachel knew this was a low blow, but she also knew her son. She knew he loved her, and of course he’d loved his father, but his bond with Leo was different. As much as she didn’t want to play the Godfather card, Josh’s fear of disappointing Leo was often the only way to get through to him. Her gamble paid off, and Josh turned around to throw her a wary glance.   
  


“He...he knows I’m fine, he’d tell me if anything was wrong. I’m fine”

Again, Rachel kept her doubts to herself. She loved Leo, but she was well aware the man could be blind to emotions (she was cursed with stubborn and emotionally repressed men in her life. She’d never forget the time Noah’s father died and she walked in on Leo, Noah, and Josh, sat in their funeral clothes, completely silent. When she prompted Josh to say something to his dad, he gave her such a look of incredulous confusion that she could only scoff)

”Joshua, stop lying to me love, it’s never worked. You’re exhausted, and short tempered, and your anxiety is the worst I’ve seen it in years. You keep yelling at Donna, and-

“Did she tell you that? I snapped at her, sure, but the fact that she ran off to tell _my mother?!”_

”No, Joshua, I overheard it on the phone. She was trying to cover for you, so maybe cool it with the accusations, yes? Let’s take a breath, you’re clearly wound up, and-“

”Mom I’m not a 12 year old having a panic attack before school anymore, I’m big enough to sort out my own feelings, okay? I am FINE, I just need Congress to sort it’s shit out, and I need to sleep for more than an hour, and I need these damn sirens to shut the hell up, but I’m-“

He cuts himself off, breathing harshly against the soft “Oh honey” that Rachel let out.   
  


“Joshua, I need you to know that there aren’t any sirens, yes?”

He nodded, and the look on his face hurt Rachel’s heart. He looked wrecked, eyes moving uneasily around the room as he twisted his fingers together. He glanced out the window again, absentmindedly chewing at his thumb.   
  


“I’m so tired, Mom. And I hoped if I just ignored it, it would go away. But I can’t sleep because every time I close my eyes I feel like I’m back...there. At Rosslyn. People slam doors and it makes me jump, and then I try to overcorrect by staying away from everyone, but then there’s no distractions and it’s all I can think about. I’ve been such an arsehole to everyone, I know that, but I can barely recognise what I’m saying until it’s too late.”

By this point, Josh was perched on the sofa again, speaking into his hands as he sat doubled over. Rachel squeezed his shoulder, rubbing small circles into his arm. She hesitated before speaking again, not knowing exactly what would push Josh over the edge.   
  


“Makes a change from nightmares about Joanie, huh?” she half joked, well aware that the smell of smoke had continued to haunt her son even years later. He let out a half laugh and half sob, taking a deep breath and turning to look at her with eyes so broken that Rachel wished with all heart that Noah was here to share at least some of the parental guilt. At his funeral, she remembered someone telling Josh that it was his job to take over from Noah now, and to look after Rachel when she felt broken. At the time she’d grimaced at the mildly sexist implication that she couldn’t look after herself, but now it just made her long for Noah. If Josh was meant to look after her, who looked after him?  
  


”I’m so scared, Mom. I’m not stupid, I know I need to see someone - Stanley, someone new, anyone. But I’m the White House Deputy Chief of Staff, I can’t just go to a shrink. It’s not like I’m a teenager anymore, I have a responsibility to the President, but”

He glanced away again, wiping his eyes.

“But?”

”I’m so scared”

This whispered confession, barely loud enough for Rachel to hear, made her grip his hand tightly.

”Joshua, I’m about to say something, and I will repeat it as many times as you need to hear it. Your job is not more important than your health. If being in the White House means you can’t get the therapy you - and I’m sorry to say this sweetheart, but - the therapy you desperately need, then I’m going to beg you to quit. You won’t be letting me down, you won’t be letting Leo down, you won’t be letting your Dad down. Go to work tomorrow and talk to Leo about speaking to someone, and then go from there. I’ve lost one child, Joshua, I’m not losing another.”

At this Josh collapsed inwardly, hunched over in his chair as he sobbed. It bought back memories of Josh in hospital after the shooting, crying against his oxygen mask as he arched his back in pain. She’d felt so helpless at the time, but at least then she’d been able to press the morphine button and call for nurses. Sitting on this sofa, holding his hand as he fought an internal battle against pain he didn’t understand, she felt truly helpless. 

As they sat there, Josh on the verge of hyperventilation with Rachel counting softly, as she did so many times after Joanie’s deaths, on days where Josh fought against his parents in lieu of self hatred and angry tears, Rachel made a quick list of things she needed to do. Flowers would be sent to Donna, along with an offer to listen to her cry whenever she needed to. A call to Stanley, the old family friend who had seen Josh in the past, before his stubbornness and paranoia persuaded him he couldn’t. A thinly veiled thread needed to be made to Leo, making sure he knew that she wouldn’t stand by quietly if he made Josh feel as though his job relied on him avoiding therapy. She had no doubt that Leo would ever dream of it, loving Josh as though he was his own son, but the threat would be made nevertheless.

For now, though, the only thing on her to do list was to hug her son and get him through the night, thankful for the preparation that a lifetime of experience dealing with Josh’s guilt has given her. 


End file.
